creativenachos.com Blog

For years, some members of my extended family have placed more value on what a person does, how well they do it, and who they know than on a person’s character. I began to understand that this train of thought was slightly askew when “big name” people showed up at a family funeral even though they’d never met the deceased. They arrived, paid their condolences, and then happily submitted to being passed around like a hot hor’dourve. Certain family members were overjoyed by the opportunity to introduce said big players; looking back, I think they thought the person lying in the casket would have been impressed. I think the person would have been more impressed with them if they’d remembered to bring a treat like ice cream or sat for a heart to heart when that soul was alive. The whole funeral scene was entertaining? Sure. Disturbing? On more levels that one can ever comprehend.

These are the same folks who always had one question and one question only, for me, “How is school going?” And later when I was older, “How is work going?” They did not want to hear how I was or listen to my secret hopes, dreams, fears, or exciting recent moments. They wanted to know the stats and, in return, they bestowed their “gold stars.” 

1. Keeping my grades up = A nod of the head and a “Good.”

2. Grades up AND involved in sports = A nod, a “Good” and a “Keep up the good work.”

3. Grades up, sports involvement AND an award or two = A nod, a Tony the Tiger “Great”, a “Keep up the good work” AND a pat on the shoulder.

That shoulder pat was a sign of love. So, I worked hard in school and, later, in work because I wanted these charismatic individuals to love me the way my immediate family did.

At that funeral, I realized that living in order to gain another’s respect or love will only lead to unhappiness. Sure the kudos might feel good for a bit but in the end, what are you doing? Are you living your own truth? And kudos aside, in living for someone else, aren’t you really shirking the responsibility of living your own life with all its consequences, joys, pains and beauty?

You cannot make others love you. You cannot transform yourself into someone they want because inevitably, somewhere along the line, you will grow resentful and they will take you for granted. Whether they are family or not, they will either love you for you or they won’t. So be you. As Billy Joel says, “Don’t go changin’…” Sounds simple doesn’t it? Yet, the deep desire for approval and love that leads a person to transform themselves is an easy trap to fall into in this life.

There are always going to be people who think that the best things you can achieve in this lifetime are money and fame. Those are the folks who hang their happiness on what others think of them and believe that money and fame are the two ingredients in the recipe for respect. They believe that such material possessions are validation stickers for their existence. For awhile, I was one of those people.

Luckily, I woke up. I left the job with the money that made me unhappy for the job that I loved that didn’t pay half as well or have the big title. I started a new position in a brand new field, put my nose to the grindstone and started to work – hard – for me. But I didn’t simply focus on work. I tried to find my own creativity and truth in all areas of life – in conversations with close family members, incredible friends, in time spent playing with my daughter, and in strolling along in the park.

People won’t love everything you do or every decision you make but the real people in your life, the hardcore ones that are in this for the long haul, will love you for you. And, most importantly, you will love you. So, live your truth.

Think about an area of your life where you have held yourself back because you were worried about what someone would think or you worried that you would not be supported and/or loved. Say it, write it, draw it, or do it. Just make sure you do it for you.