creativenachos.com Blog

I’m not where I thought I would be in life. I thought by the time I had a kid I’d have a book or two published and would be focused solely on writing. But as I’ve mentioned before, I have stood in my own way. Since the birth of my daughter, I have become more focused; this is probably due to having less time. Now I find my dreams have grown, new creative ideas have bubbled to the surface and new endeavors are presenting themselves. My dream is not to exclusively write books but to write articles and perhaps open my own creative gift business. While the growth of ideas should be exciting, I often find I get frustrated and end up feeling lost. 

Sometimes I can see where I want to be. I’m not always sure of how to get there but I try to figure it out. Despite my fears, I try. Other times I feel lost. I look at myself and cling to the once clear picture I had of who I was and who I wanted to be. My clinging to old ideas causes an inability for any new ideas to live long before I shove them down and suddenly find myself panicking about the fact that I have no idea who I am. Why do I have such an aversion to change? And why do I need to adhere to an old version of myself? 

Maybe it has to do with defining myself. It’s as though if I don’t know exactly who I am at all times, I’ll disappear. I’ll exist in a black hole with no reason or purpose for being here. One moment I define myself by “what I do” because that’s what we do in America, we let our jobs define who we are and don’t get me wrong, I want to do something I love but I’m more than that. The next moment I’m one of a dozen labels – friend, sister, wife, daughter, mother, cousin, niece, bitch, dreamer, saint, sinner, writer, and artist – but I’m even more than that. I’m digging and I’m digging and I’m trying to sculpt this identity but much like parenting, the moment you think you know something, everything changes. 

Do you ever feel like this? 

I need to start to make some changes to my life. I know it. I feel it. These are growing pains. I’m a woman in search of my own truth. I’m a woman who is filled with so many thoughts, emotions and ideas I sometimes feel like I might explode into a billion pieces. 

When I was younger we had that “What goes on inside this house, stays in this house” rule. I remember the first time I broke it and shared with friends. This one friend had a crazier story of familial drama than what I had shared and I thought – I LOVE this. Well, I need to explore all of this here with you, if only to feel as though I’m not the only one who loves their life but who still feels horribly lost or fearful of change from time to time. 

This month, I’m going to try to find ways to embrace small changes. Maybe tomorrow I’ll start by not getting my signature Kit Kat and try ….a Twix? In terms of identity, I’m going to work on just being instead of trying to place myself in a box.  Any thoughts?     

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