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“I am a mess, not showered, unshaven as though life chewed me up and spit me out on the side of the road. The only thing I have going for me is that I have on deodorant so at least I don’t smell like wet garbage.”

This is what I wrote as my family and I rode past small produce stands, American flags, small cemeteries, corn fields, horses and boats on our way to our vacation destination.  As I read those words now, I realize how broken I felt. I’d been living just below the surface of the water, lost, afraid and frozen.

That’s why this trip was life-changing; I had no idea how much we needed to escape. I had arrived at a point when I was reduced to the lowest common denominator. That first night, I sat down at the kitchen table and cried. “I’m so glad we’re here,” I said again and again.

My little family needed time to heal and then time to play. We all needed to hear the sound of our laughter, to share what hurt, to cry, to hug, to reconnect. I hadn’t realized how badly we all needed one another till we completely disconnected from cell phones, computers, worries, other people’s problems, work and all the other bullshit that can sometimes pull us away from one another. We created a space that allowed us to connect to the important things, each other. Our love and connection even allowed us to challenge ourselves in new ways. My daughter swam in the ocean with us for the first time, jumping off our shoulders and into awaiting arms, my husband went kayaking and I made a life long dream come true when I went surfing.

I started off this trip at zero and that was ok. I let myself push past the numbness I’d been feeling so that I might sink all the way into the pain I’d been fighting. A massive tidal wave of heartache had broken right over my head and slammed me down, down, down into the Earth. After awhile, I got back up. I let myself find my family not through our normal familial rules and responsibilities but through laughter and play. I ran along the shoreline with hands in the air pretending to fly as my daughter trailed behind or sometimes ran ahead. I talked with my husband, found comfort in his embrace and heard my laughter bubbling up from deep, deep within the center of me. I watched birds and fighter jets with the same fascination. I swam till my arms aches and I surfed.

Surfing has always been a life long dream but I put it off for many reasons – not enough time, not the right place, Jaws my bite my ass. This was the right time and with the understanding that nothing in life is secure, I faced my fears and stepped into the water, board in hand. I am proud to admit that I stood up 7 times (2 of those times I had awesome runs). However, I also fell, I screwed up, I got tossed, I got slammed but I got back up.

I got back up.

I wanted to try again and again to recapture that feeling of exhilaration.  I wanted to embrace the challenge each wave brought; each wave is so very different from the next. It was so incredibly hard and yet the most fun I’ve ever had. That right there, that sentence sums up how I want to live. I want to strive and work hard for my dreams but I want to have fun. I’ve been missing that.

I wish I could explain what it felt like to move with gorgeous waves or what it felt like to sit in the palm of nature’s hand. Every time I think of it I can’t help but want to shout, “I DID IT!” It’s something I did for me. It was a challenge I rose to not because of what anyone else would think but because I wanted it for myself.

I found Natasha. She’s not exactly the same. All the essential components are there and perhaps each is a little stronger. The things that hurt have been bandaged so they’re mending. The things that were a little dull have been polished. The things that were underwater can now happily float. She’s a Natasha I’ve only known in the quiet spaces in my heart. It’s nice to see her out here in the world and the best part is I think she’s here to stay. 

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