Let me take you on a journey that knocked my socks off.
Original Painting by Natasha Reilly. Copyright 2011.
The first day we were in the mystical, vortex-ridden Sedona I painted this painting. If you look at it you will see several things. The first was that I had a REALLY hard time painting with my paintbrush. From the moment we drove into Sedona, I’d been shaking. My body was filled with all this wickedly wild energy and I was having a truly hard time holding my paintbrush. My hands so badly wanted to be on the page. So, I set them free. Covering my hands in paint, I let them play. The heart in the middle just appeared. The yellow part appeared to me to be an angel but to others a vagina – it’s all good, both are sacred. But look at this work – what do you notice that seems a little “off”? Do you see the word “hold” written on the painting in the bottom right corner? What do you notice that seems like it might “explode”?
Before I talk about that, let me share two other paintings with you. The following were born the next day and here’s the thing…I was feeling the background and the colors on the first but not the image of the mermaid shape. Then in the painting with the woman who has some sort of veil or shield around her, I wanted to drop kick her in the head. No shit, I could NOT STAND her . The entire work felt false, saccharine, nauseating. I was pissed.
Original Painting by Natasha Reilly Copyright 2011.
Original Painting by Natasha Reilly Copyright 2011.
By the end of this day, I was SO frustrated. I was wondering why I’d come to Sedona, why I ever wanted to paint. I wondered what the hell I was doing there and in life. My frustration level was through the roof.
The next day as we hiked we found a space that seemed as though it was carved out of the Earth for us. We climbed in and talked as a Tribe. When Connie spoke, her words landed like a firestorm on my heart. I started to cry. My Tribe was cracking open my heart and something was suddenly more than ready to come out.
Back at our art studio, we talked about our paintings and two things were pointed out to me that changed my perspective forever. Go back to that first painting with me for a minute. Look at it and notice that word “Hold” again in the lower right hand corner. At the time – though I didn’t really “feel” it, I thought the word was referring to “holding my heart.” But alas I would come to learn it meant – I was holding myself back. THAT was right. I felt the truth of that sentence the moment it was spoken. AND take a look at the color in the upper left hand corner of that painting. It was beginning to explode off the page but I stopped myself. I held myself back from being too big, pushing beyond boundaries, running off the edges of the page.
BAM! Like a kick to my gut I realized I’ve been holding back the real juice within me for YEARS! YES, I’ve shared some in drips and drabs but for the most part I’ve been holding it back. Why? I’ve always been afraid I wouldn’t be “accepted.” But as I painted and cartwheeled, cried and laughed with these beautiful souls in the desert, I realized I like being on the outside. I like that I am different and hot damn it’s time to be ME – the me that people might not like being so big. The Me that these women opened their hearts to and the Me that isn’t “trying” to be anything in my painting or in life other than ME! I’m DONE – waiting, walking on eggshells and pleasing. I’m DONE with it. This is me…I want to be ME. Something massive shifted within.
With that thought, I got rid of the paintbrushes. I need my hands when I paint. I need to connect with the paint, the paper, all of it! and headed out alone to paint. I was in a FRENZY! It was nuts ….Connie said I looked like her dog Nyla digging. I was on hands and knees letting EVERYTHING out of me…anger, happiness, rage, joy and a whole host of Me-ness. This is what was born in that moment.
Original Painting by Natasha Reilly Copyright 2011.
None of my paintings have been the same. I have not been the same and it’s GLORIOUS!
We need to let ourselves be the process – NOT the product. The process is where the juice is – the process is where we really live. This is just the beginning. There’s WAY more. I have a painting to share with you that stopped me in my tracks. But that’s for next week along with a big ole announcement. Sedona…it was just the beginning….
This is just the beginning…
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