Lost Voices

 


Work in Progress or My Voice

Original Painting by Natasha Reilly, Copyright 2013.

 

I lost my voice.

 

Like vapor, it simply disappeared into the atmosphere.  I called to it, prayed, searched the streets, cleaned out all the closets, looked under the bed but found nothing.

 

I lost my creative voice and I feared it was gone forever.

 

First, I got sad – I’m talking eat an entire box of chocolate chip cookies sad. Then I was terrified – hide under the covers, life is devoid of music and meaning terrified.

 

What would I do?

 

And then I got mad, pick up the paintbrushes, break out the drums and beat them mad. Anger can be a truly constructive emotion if it is used properly. (It took me years to see that but now when I feel that swell of anger, I channel it.) I grab my paintbrush or my pencils and go nuts on paper or canvas, sometimes even fabric.

 

‘Stop over-thinking,’ I shouted within my own head. Over-thinking is like that little abs machine advertised on late night infomercials that says it’s tightening your abs for you while you do nothing. It made me believe that I had actually been doing something when all I had been doing was sitting on my duff thinking about creating – in other words, I was doing nothing. I needed to move to action. I needed to just begin.

 

Paintbrush in hand, I dove in. I was very calm at first. Like meeting someone for the first time, I put my best for forward and greeted the canvas – polite, quiet brush strokes and that was when I heard it.

 

“This is crap. Where’s YOUR voice!? STOP thinking about what others want! STOP thinking about what might look “pretty.” Throw the paint around. Lose yourself! Don’t create to be liked, create to be YOU Damnit!”

 

My voice is not quiet and polite.

 

Anger flooded me again.

 

So I moved my brush with more force. I stopped “trying” to be anyone other than me and that thought hit me like a locomotive.

 

I’ve spent SO much of my life doing the “right” thing or creating what others wanted because I thought that was the path to love. I won’t be abandoned by family or friends if I make something that someone likes because then they will see I’m worth having around – look at what nice things I can bring to their life. Yes, then I will be loved. Thing is – I don’t want to be loved because I give people what they want. People rarely even know what they really want and when they get it they often realize they didn’t really want it to begin with. They wanted or needed something else –something that inspires them, challenges them, etc. But this is not about them. This is about me.

 

Anger. Embarrassment. Foolishness. Feelings of Failure.

 

I painted with a feverish fury. I was moving along the page when suddenly I felt myself “dancing”. It was as though I’d stepped out of the middle of a wild hurricane and stepped onto a stage. There was grace and focused strength in my movements. My hand extended – the paintbrush a mere extension of my heart –I realized I was dancing along the canvas. Another powerful wave of emotion hit me.

 

I love dance. I have always loved dance. Though I was in shows when I was younger I did not dance to be seen, I danced because it made me feel alive. It connected me to my breath, my fiery heart, my passionate soul. Dance was a way for me to tell the story of my life – joy and pain – with my entire being. When I would dance every part of me was connected, grounded and soaring at the same time!

 

Release. Let Go. Joy. Truth.

 

As the paintbrush danced, I began to laugh out loud. “This is me!” I shouted the no one other than me. It id not matter if anyone ever saw this painting, I made this for me and in doing so, I reconnected with something inside that was lost and scared and huddled in the corner of my being – I connected with me. I made something for me not for monetary gain. I did not make it for any other reason than to hear the sound of my own voice again – a voice that dances across the canvas of life.

 

I sat with this painting for a long time last night. There’s so much inside it. I don’t know if it’s finished and I don’t need to know. All I know is I wanted to share not for approval but connection. I wanted YOU to know that if you feel lost, DO something. Just begin and you will find yourself. You don’t have to finish it all right now. Just start. This is my start. It’s a work in progress, just like me.

 

I love me. I love what’s within me. I’m a creation of the Universe FILLED with all these amazing gifts – we all are. And when we let those gifts explode like confetti and rain down upon the world around us, we are not beings seeking love we are love.

 

 

9 thoughts on “Lost Voices

  1. And that’s the thing, radiant love attracts radiant love which is why we are sisters! I simply adore you, Shauna. I find it fascinating that you hone in on my brainwaves. I was thinking about you yesterday – expect an email quite soon. xoxox

  2. Wow! This is JUST what I needed to read today…
    “I wanted YOU to know that if you feel lost, DO something. Just begin and you will find yourself.” – I want to ask ‘is that really true?’ but then I remember that it is my friend Taschie Nachos writing, and she is always beautifully honest so it must be true…

    I feel lost at the moment, and I want to find “my own voice – a voice that dances across the canvas of life”… I am wasting time thinking about creating and planning to create and dreaming about the colours that will bring my kaleidoscope heart alive and words that will tell my story, but I am suddenly afraid and I can’t actually do it… even though I am past knowing what frightens me. Maybe my voice is lost forever?

    Your recent posts are making my heart long for colours to pour from it once again – you are magic!!

  3. Emily, my beautiful, talented, creative friend with the kaleidoscope heart!!YES it is 100% true. I was feeling absolutely awful until I started up again. It’s so easy for me to get lost in my own head so YES I invite you to step out and create. FORCE yourself to do it even if you fight and the battle within is exhausting – do it. You will thank yourself for it. Your voice is not lost I promise you – I hear your voice even in this comment – I see that heart. YOU, my friend, are magic – we can see it in each other. Trust me. Today just do one thing – one – and tell me how you feel. Oh and an email will be coming :) love and more love to you!!! xoxoxo

  4. Tami I LOVE that you are a magic elixir. Every time you share, my wings expand and I fly higher. Thank you for just being YOU! AND using YOUR gorgeous voice!!! Love you xoxox

  5. Pingback: Starting again… | My Kaleidoscope Heart

  6. Hello- Great piece of writing- loved it. and the art work is very expressive of the writing. I often stumble into a site thinking one thing, and leave thinking another.
    When someone writes something that fits everyone, it is a treat to find it, share it and talk about it. This is such a piece.
    I – a stranger- an older guy, but also an artist, was moved by your piece. Thank you.

  7. Eightdecades, I am so very grateful that you stumbled upon this site and this piece. It’s funny we can write things, send them out and forget about the power of that moment. I needed to re-read this today, to remember, to embrace it, own it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and then respond. I plan to come and visit your space, your art, you. Thank YOU for the gift you gave today just by taking a moment to share your thoughtful words.

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